Thoughts on the first year of marriage.

Everyone says the first year of marriage is the hardest. They tell you that you'll fight. And pout over little things. And get frustrated with dirty underwear and socks all over the floor. And they tell you that you'll feel like you weren't cut out for this.

While our first year of marriage has been, what's the word, trying...I've never wanted to "throw in the towel." Yes there were nights when emotions ran dangerously wild. Nights when I begged Will to come to bed from the couch. Nights when I wondered what I had gotten myself into. But it is all part of a learning process.

We are 17 days away from our first anniversary. I look over a year filled with times of uplifting one another. Times of holding one another when words wouldn't suffice. Times of fear and doubt about whether we would make it. Times of rejoicing over a healthy baby boy. Times of true sadness and times of true joy.

Couples get divorced a lot these days. I always thought it was because they were always fighting. Or couldn't get along. Or they have nothing in common. But after being married a short while, I think I know what it is.

Apathy.

Apathy takes a couple from marriage to roommates. From date nights to same old same old. From getting dolled up to not caring. From passionate sex to a chore. From sweet texts to not even knowing they're gone.

I guess things start falling apart when the everyday becomes mundane, and you are no longer experiencing life together. No longer calling each other just to say "I miss you." No longer sharing hopes, fears, dreams, and passions. No longer being "one."

But instead worrying about laundry. And taking the trash out. And e-mailing people back. And running errands.

Will and I have talked about this a lot lately. It's hard to find time, because it feels as if life is dragging us as it races by. It's hard to discuss his dreams of travel and photography when the baby is screaming, needs to be fed, has a diaper that needs changed, or just demanding full attention.

How will we continue to pursue one another? How will we continuously fall head over heels for one another?

My sweet husband is a wise man. And a Godly man. That's why I married him. I was reading through his old blog posts, missing his deep, sensitive, and intellectual thoughts. I discovered this post that he posted in 2007 describing the purpose for his blog. He wrote,

"My goal is to make the everyday beautiful. I aim to express awe for the mundane. I hope to show you my delight for the ordinary. All the while, chronicling the journey that is the rest of my life."

I pray this becomes the anthem to our journey. Instead of apathy and mundane.

Make everyday beautiful. Express awe. Show delight. And then chronicle the journey.

May our marriage become one of richness, desire, and beauty.

Antigua, Guatamala

Things I like about Antigua
-Gorgeous cobblestone
-Colorful buildings
-Rooftop verandas
-Casa Christina
-Perfect weather

Things I don’t like about Antigua
-Unsweet granola
-Loud mopeds
-No bathrooms

I'm selfish

I’ve always wanted to travel. Like all travelers, I want to see beauty and excitement. More than anything, I want to travel to a place that has far less than I do. I want to be stretched, uncomfortable, and have no other choice but to rely on something greater than myself. My dream of travel isn’t about bragging rights, digital pictures, or trinkets. My dream of travel is really about recognizing my selfishness and going somewhere where there’s no choice but to die to myself.

My biggest fear in life is that I won’t go. I will get distracted. Or busy. Or poor. Or scared.

It was a requirement that my life partner would share this dream with me. When we said, “I do,” we were ready to go explore together. We were talking of places, timelines, and money.

Then, we got pregnant. All at once, it seemed those dreams died, and we woke up in a different reality. We were in the game of life and got fast-tracked to adulthood. I experienced an overwhelming amount of failure, because I hadn’t gone. My one life goal, and I had missed my opportunity.

People always say you can “travel with kids.” If it’s so easy, why don’t people actually do it? In my heart, I knew I could go later, but it would never be as easy and convenient as it has once been. Here I was with a weekly grocery list and house slippers. Still in America. Still consumed with myself.

And then, a beautiful boy came into our lives. It was pure bliss, and we continue to praise God for all the goodness and love wrapped up in a 7lbs body.

All he does is poop, pee, burp, eat, sleep, and cry every ten seconds he loses his pacifier. My days and nights all look the same. Changing diapers, bouncing him in my arms, turning on the sound machine, and putting the pacifier back in every eleven seconds. Where’s the adventure? How could this be anything anyone would admire?

And then in the middle of the night as I’m up feeding my little boy, I realize something. My dreams of travel for the sake of being selfless are perhaps more selfish than I realized.

Maybe God’s way of showing me how to die to self is getting up five times a night, hearing the broken record of a pitiful cry, having to feed him whether it’s convenient or not, taking off work to care for a newborn, skipping lunch because I can’t set him down, doing laundry late at night because there’s no other time, and the list goes on and on.

When I hear that sweet cry through the monitor at all hours of the night, I realize I am being stretched, uncomfortable, and I can’t do this without Someone greater than myself.

I will travel one day, but maybe that dream doesn’t have to define me. Maybe God has other ways of showing me that it’s not all about me. It is about caring for others, taking care of needs, and learning that we need each other. I pictured myself learning this while sleeping in a hut, but perhaps I’ve just learned it holding the sweetest 4-week-old as his little hand holds mine.

Progress of our new house!!!!

Once we found out we were pregnant, we quickly realized our two bedroom townhouse wasn't going to cut it anymore. We didn't know how we'd be able to afford a new place or get out of our lease. Once we started looking at three bedroom townhouses/apts, we also quickly realized that we could buy a house for the same amount of money as moving into a larger place and renting. While we were still unsure and apprehensive, we started the process of looking around. God provided in every way, and we were able to get keys and move in last weekend. We were overwhelmed with the amount of help we received from our friends and family. We truly are loved and very overwhelmed with God's way of providing for us. Enjoy the videos and then come see us!!!!

We just bought a house! from Liz Knowles on Vimeo.

Starting to Prime-Late Friday Night from Liz Knowles on Vimeo.

Painting Progress-midday from Liz Knowles on Vimeo.

Hope you enjoyed. I'll post a final one...once everything is settled, which may take years!

Meredith comes home from Russia!!!!

My sister took an adventure of a lifetime, and we all went to greet her. It's taken me awhile to get this up, but I wanted you to be able to watch the excitement of her coming back to the US of A.

Mere Comes Home Pt II from Liz Knowles on Vimeo.

Photo Booth Fun

This is my husband Will. We love each other very much. One day...we set up a photo booth in our house. Not really for any reason, except Will needed a "fun" picture of us for the website (www.willknowlesweddings.com) So this is our attempt at being "fun."

Sometimes...when you're married, it can be hard to not get boring. It can easily become the same routine. I hope we always remember to take breaks and mix it up a little bit.

I think I like these pictures, because it captures who we are...or at least our silly-goose selves.

Every once in awhile...Will asks me if I think I'll turn into a serious person after we have a baby. He's legitimately concerned about this, I suppose. I've been thinking about it. And I think I'll just become more silly, because after all, now I'll have an easy audience all the time.

Where are the little league sign ups?

Today's a special day. It's Father's Day.

Of course, this year it holds a special meaning this time around. It's Will's first Father's Day. While he can't hold Fin or change his diaper to show how much he loves him, Will's love for his family is already part of what defines him.

The father's role is an interesting one, and I'm realizing that more and more every day as I think about what it means to be a mother.

I think there's a special role between father and son. I never really thought I'd be ok having a boy. I just didn't want to deal with stinky gym shorts, fighting the deodorant battle (which I experience with Will everyday), and watching him go through that awkward stage when their voice changes and their body does even more.

As I've watched Will and Finley's relationship, I've realized how important that father figure is. There are times when Finley needed to step back and watch Will do something he may regret later. But I've also seen how Finley has been there when we've gone through some of our hardest times, when raw emotion was all we had to work with. And Finley's response to Will has always been "bathed in prayer," as he would say.

I'm not going to lie. I do hope our baby is a trendster like his dad, while Will would hate me and correct me for saying that. But more than that, I hope Fin is just like his dad in the way he loves, serves, and leads. Either way, we're going to have a perfect little family. Not because we are perfect. But because...we're together.

So there are all these books to read now...

One day I told Will that I wish that I would've been a better person when I got married. I wished I would've been older. And wiser. And richer. And a better cook.

And now I'm going to be a mom. And I again find myself wishing I would be better than I am now. I wish I wouldn't be as negative. or scared. or nervous. or selfish.

I look forward to having a kid and no longer be concerned with just Will and me.

I don't know what scares me. But I wish it would leave, because it is truly terrifying. I haven't journaled or prayed about it. Because sometimes when you do that...even crazier things happen. And my fear paralyzes me from doing the very things I need. But I finally have realized I can't do it by myself. Will can't do it by himself. And we're going to need something bigger than both of us together to do this.

I guess that's where friends come in. and family. and small group. and Blakemore. and old friends from home. and the words..."me too."

I guess that's where community comes in and surrounds us. And that's when we see the hand of God in our little two bedroom apartment.

And it probably won't matter if we do everything right. If we always know where the pacifier is or if the room is painted with an exquisite Noah's Ark theme. It probably won't matter if our baby always matches or is always silent in quiet places like church or Olive Garden.

We'll just love fiercely and hope that's enough.

Crappy

This has been a crappy moment. I was going to say a crappy day, but it's really just this moment. Maybe it's because Will isn't home to greet me and hold me and hear about how my day was. Maybe it's because Trevecca wouldn't answer the phone during business hours. Maybe it's because over 75% of my class is projected to fail TCAP. Maybe it's that I want to do something major, and I think I may fail at it. I don't really know, but in the stillness, I just feel crappy. It's not sad or mad...just crappy.

The beginning

Well. I'm going to try to start blogging. Why you may ask? I just feel like it's the right thing to do. It's a place where I can document my journey. It can be serious or funny. Short or long. If you'd like to read, then please. But I'm not expecting a mass following. Just want a place to write and share. Much Love!