And now I'm going to be a mom. And I again find myself wishing I would be better than I am now. I wish I wouldn't be as negative. or scared. or nervous. or selfish.
I look forward to having a kid and no longer be concerned with just Will and me.
I don't know what scares me. But I wish it would leave, because it is truly terrifying. I haven't journaled or prayed about it. Because sometimes when you do that...even crazier things happen. And my fear paralyzes me from doing the very things I need. But I finally have realized I can't do it by myself. Will can't do it by himself. And we're going to need something bigger than both of us together to do this.
I guess that's where friends come in. and family. and small group. and Blakemore. and old friends from home. and the words..."me too."
I guess that's where community comes in and surrounds us. And that's when we see the hand of God in our little two bedroom apartment.
And it probably won't matter if we do everything right. If we always know where the pacifier is or if the room is painted with an exquisite Noah's Ark theme. It probably won't matter if our baby always matches or is always silent in quiet places like church or Olive Garden.
We'll just love fiercely and hope that's enough.
Honey, I know you are scared and wonder what this is all about but, you're right, your community is key. Lean on me, talk to me, allow yourself to be loved and cared for. You have an amazing self to offer. Fear will try to keep you from offering what you have but with God's help and those around you, you will overcome.
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You will never know until it happens, and then you will never be able to say exactly when it happened, but it will and you can just trust me on that. You will definitely draw from everyone around you, but you and Will will also draw from a place within, that you don't know you have yet. There's a reason it takes 9 (actually 10!) months for the little person to get here!
ReplyDeleteAnd, may I say, congratulations! Your doubts and concerns are actually all signs that you will be a fantastic parent! Anxiety is a byproduct of the hormones and it never goes away. Where do you think all those phrases like, "Put that down, you're going to put an eye out!", and "Your face is going to stick like that!" came from?
P.S., this is Marcy (Auntie M)
ReplyDeleteWell I've got the Noah's Ark thing down-I'll be over next Saturday with my fuzzy two by two animals. The "Me Too"-well that's what we who were at and agreed with your wedding (and those who couldn't come) committed to. To be there for you and to do what we can to support your family-whether that be you and Will. Or you, Will, and a set of sextuplets :)
ReplyDeleteHey Liz,
ReplyDeleteWe are so excited for you and Will and please know that you will NOT do everything right, you will always wonder if you should've painted that room one shade lighter and wonder if one brand of diapers is really better than another. . .
and your child will be better for it all.
We love you and look forward to each piece of the journey we're able to share, whether by reading your blog, seeing you facebook, or hugging you in person. You've got so much love coming your way and you know what? You are ABSOLUTELY right. All you can do is LOVE FIERCELY!
Oh Liz, I wish I could hug you right now. You are absolutely brave enough, smart enough, strong enough and loving enough to be just the mom that this baby will need to become the person you dream of her being. The best part is, the baby will teach you how to be a good mom, if you are flexible enough and patient enough to watch, learn and listen. (I think the worst parents are the ones who already think they know everything) You grow to love the baby gradually, until the moment you hold her, and in that moment, everything changes. That is when the selfishness we were born with falls away, and is replaced with a love that is so strong we would give our life to protect this baby. Some parents let the selfishness creep back in over time, and that is where maturity AND faith will protect you. Other than that, listen to wise words, watch parents you admire, but remember, in the end you will be the expert about this child, and can trust your instinct about how to raise her because you will know her better than anyone else. And about the "her" thing, I always think babies are girls;) I am proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I am running across this, even if it is almost a year later...but it is exactly how I feel most days! Thank you for writing with such honesty!! (& look at you now, an amazing mother and teacher!!)
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